I am afraid to write because, “what if I don’t really have any words”? What if all the ideas and insights buzzing in my brain amount to nothing. What if in the transition from mind to document, these epiphanies and insights of mine become empty and pointless? If to be alive is to think and imagine and create, then why am I afraid to put brush to canvas? To destroy white perfection with counterfeit art. I am afraid to make my far-from-perfect mark because I will see myself for who I am.
There is beautiful imperfection and there is this ugly, gaunt imperfection and I think I tend to view mine as the later. Beautiful imperfection is flawed thinking, flawed words, flawed art that is made beautiful by the blood of Jesus. Ugly imperfection drips with self-hatred and raspy whispers from the enemy “You are nothing. Unlovable. Unintelligent, A hopeless case.” Beautiful imperfection is anchored in my value in Christ who paid quite a large sum for my soul. Ugly imperfection harbors guilt and shame. When I can’t look at myself in the mirror…
Sometimes I think if I just keep moving forward I will somehow erase where I am lacking. If I am to distracted by the present to dwell on past shortcomings, then maybe they will go away. Maybe God will forget them too. Putting it in writing causes me to see the ridiculousness. Maybe I think I am a bit ridiculous in general. That my perception of having worth is really an illusion and I can’t look in the mirror because then Ill see through my own delusions. Like if I realize my efforts and time and convictions and passions have been all for something that I imagined, I might implode and collapse from the inside.
Melodramatic? Probably. But I don’t think I would make a very good atheist. I need a purpose for the pain. A direction in the chaos. A cause for the confusion. And to know that there is absolute truth, despite what the world says, makes all of it 100% worth it. To understand that the reason I don’t understand a lot is because I am not made for this temporary world, but for eternity. I am not created to survive here, but to thrive in heaven. Additionally, it is okay that I don’t have this day to day life thing down.
I should be afraid that I would spend this life trying to master the art of living in this world and then be horrified when I find that heaven is nothing like it, instead of being paralyzed by the fear of living with eternity in mind, of putting my pen to paper.
“We do the best we can, don’t we?”, I said to a friend last week in reference to discussing the potential dangers of sun damage. Yes, we do. There are plenty of fears in this world and the media has done an outstanding job at making sure we are aware of every. single. one. We don’t have to seek out things to fear.
I want to fear God. I want to fear wasting my life by avoiding potential failures and exposing frailty. I want to be able to look in the mirror, and not see an illusion. I want to be able to see that selfish child who hated to be controlled, that unwise teenager who made poor choices, that newly-wed who screamed in rage because her husband wasn’t meeting her expectations, that new mother who thought she should feel complete and fulfilled as a mom, but had never felt more lacking and confused in her life, and this 31 year old wife and mother and a dozen other titles who fears her own imperfection and doubts her purpose from time to time. I want to see her, and I want to love her. I want to see her and know her because she has been fully known by her Creator and He still wants her. I want to love her because I cannot hate and devalue that which God has placed such a high value.
I want to live unafraid of my own imperfection, because that is one of the enemy’s favorite games. If I am to paralyzed by fear to move and make my mark then I am giving victory to Satan. That’s the crux of it.
So be bold today.
6For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. 7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 2 Corinthians 4:6-11
New Mercies 