“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day sorrow in my heart?…Give me light to my eyes or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him’…But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me.” Psalm 13
I often write in a poetic, stream of consciousness form. I honestly think that way a lot, so in essence, I am just writing what I think. But sometimes, the meandering of words seems to beg for stark, clear truth. I want to be honest with you about my depression and share with you some ways in which I have been able to experience victory.
I want to state a disclaimer or two.
First, God is the ultimate Healer. He can and will ultimately heal every infirmity we have. The question is not if, but when. I no longer pray for Him to take my struggles with depression from me. Not that it would be “ungodly” or “unspiritual” for me to ask that it be removed from my life, but I personally do not feel that is the route God wishes to take with me right now. The amount of growth I have achieved (or rather, that Christ has achieved in me) through the pain and confusion of depression is immeasurable.
Second, accepting medical treatment does not indicate a lack of trust or faith in God. I have been on different medications at different points in my life. I have needed different medications at different times. Jennie Allen stated at IF:Gathering 2018 that there are wonderful doctors who love Jesus, too! It’s not an either/or situation. However, wanting the quick fix of a pill and not wanting to do the hard, painful work on your soul can be a pitfall. Emphasis on “can be”. I am not on medication right now, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t find it necessary in the future.
Third, depression is not a sin. It is not a sin any more than having heart disease is a sin.
With that said, let’s dive in.
Many times people oscillate between numbness and pain. Oh, how I have been in the place where I would give anything to feel something besides pain. I want to get on top of it (or below, or to the right or the left, anywhere but trapped in it). I desire to not feel the pain. When I am numb, I sometimes want to wallow. I want to stay in this virtual bubble where I can’t feel. Because the fear of feeling pain again is overwhelming. It’s easy for me, if I allow myself, to turn to food, alcohol, sleep and entertainment (get engulfed in someone else’s fake life). For others it can be drugs, bad relationships, spending money and a lot of other things.
I want to look at Psalm 13. I strongly suspect that king David in the Bible suffered from some severe depression and anxiety. The first line is this:
“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day sorrow in my heart?”
I love how David uses the word “wrestle”. Are we wrestling? Or are we allowing depression (or anxiety, or fear) to rule? As mush as I want to throw in the towel at times, I cannot afford that and it’s not worth it. I can’t afford it, because then I become susceptible to addiction and idolatry. I can easily compound my problem by allowing false gods like food or too much tv, into my life. When you start sinning to cope with something God has allowed, it arrests progress. The very sin you think is “saving” you from pain, becomes what binds you and keeps you from moving forward. It’s not worth it.
I love how David is honest about how sick of it he is. “How long??” So, I have a choice. It’s okay to ask God how long, but if He doesn’t answer, I have to be willing to wrestle for as long as it takes. Period. Please hear me when I say, it’s not about how we feel. It’s a choice. I must choose to daily declare Him King over my life, Ruler over my heart, my Sovereign God whose lovingkindness is endless. I have to confess that He truly is working all things for my good, because He has called me and I love Him. I have to be okay with not understanding. I find a certain release in that. There is freedom in giving myself permission to not have to figure it out and problem solve. It is imperative that I identify the lie that I’m believing (“You’re a failure”, “You will never be good enough”, “You don’t know what you’re doing”, “You really think you’re a Christian?”, etc), and replace it with the truth.
The common theme in the above list of lies is the word “you”. It’s an over focus on myself. Depression is good at that. So, being intentional about focusing on people other than me can sometimes shift my direction. Looking for opportunities to serve others is what we’re commanded to do anyway, so, again, I’m just being obedient. I’m obeying God’s command whether it shifts my perspective or not. Even if this does not ultimately make a difference in the battle against depression, I’m setting myself up for victory in another area. I’m not letting the depression battle be all consuming.
“Give me light to my eyes or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him'”
He tells God where he is. He tells Him he either wishes for death, or fears that death will be the outcome of his trials. The text is not clear. I will say that depression may be a mental illness, but it can have very physical effects. However, again David has his eyes on victory. He does not want to accept defeat. It matters to him that his enemies might rejoice in his demise. We have to continue to care about the outcome. We have to continue to work towards victory. Sometimes, all that looks like is believing God.
“But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me.”
To me, this is really what it boils down to. Do I believe that God is good and that He has been good to me? That He has not just done great things, but He has done great things for me. It’s important to speak this truth to ourselves in the darkness, because even though the enemy may want us to believe that we are the ugly step children of God and we will never see the light again, nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing can separate us from His love and nothing can change His faithfulness. His dedication to us enables us to be dedicated to Him. It empowers us to become the “even if He doesn’t” people. Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we can choose to believe that even if He doesn’t deliver us, we will still testify that He is our God. There is more power in that than we realize.
“What I know to be true is that He finds us in our darkness.” -Jennie Allen
Scripture tells us that “He knows what is in the darkness and light dwells with Him” (Daniel 2:22) He knows what you are feeling and He is not shocked or confused or taken off guard!! What we need is light. And guess what, light abides with Jesus. Only with Jesus. The enemy wants you to think that moving away from light will make you feel better. Moving away from communication with God (prayer), from healthy relationships, from good council, from God’s Word, from church. That, somehow, moving deeper into darkness will yield relief. Actually it may for a time, but only for a time. If true relief and healing are found in the light, and the light is Jesus, then I have to move toward Him, not away. I have to choose to surround myself with light. I do this practically by being in His Word, by listening to good teaching or Bible audio any time I am in a place where my thoughts can run free and unchecked (ie, while I wash dishes, run, fold laundry etc.), and by praying. Don’t let the last one become a stumbling block to you! I have been in such deep darkness that I cannot pray. That’s why we have the Holy Spirit. That’s why He is there to intercede for us when we have no words.
For me, depression is aggressive. So I have to fight back aggressively. Assess your enemy, and fight back accordingly. Don’t worry about looking extreme. Don’t worry about seeming ridiculous because you might have to say, “Watching that isn’t a good decision for me right now.” or “Going there isn’t helping me have victory.” Get aggressive! There is victory to be had.
New Mercies 