This post comes from a place of deep sadness and urgency. It seems like the rotten fruit of bad theology and beliefs about women, men, and what a healthy relationship looks like are all around me – both in people I know personally, and people I read about in the news. Just today, I saw a headline about a gynecologist who had abused patients. It made me sad and angry for those women who were victimized. And unfortunately abuse happens often in our world. Where one would hope it does not occur – or at least with less frequency – is in the church. However, this is not the case. Sexual abuse and exploitation run rampant in religious institutions and there are many, many reasons for that. In this post I briefly touch on some common lies we hear from religious leaders and religious books. I also graze the surface of the insidious impact these lies can have on women, men, families, and religious culture.
TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, manipulation, and some detail about real life sexual abuse cases may be triggering.
To all the women that I have “counseled” over the years who poured their hearts out about wanting to be a good wife in spite of their husband’s raging porn addiction, abusive behaviors/actions, or other blatant disregard for their humanity: If I told you to use less words and pray more, I AM SORRY. Prayer is good. Prayer is powerful. But you are of equal value to him and have every right to advocate for yourself. You can set boundaries, refuse to share him sexually with videos and images, require counselling, accountability, and ask him to leave if you don’t feel safe or other circumstances dictate it. If your marriage ends because you require respect, that says much more about your partner than it does about you. And you will come back from this. God loves and values you more than He loves and values the institution of marriage.
To all the girls I have “taught” over the years with listening ears and open hearts that just want to be good “God girls”: If I told you (or insinuated) that it was your responsibility to make guys not lust after you because they can’t control their own thoughts and bodies, I AM SORRY. You are responsible for yourself and yourself alone. If you choose to dress modestly or take on certain dating tactics, that should be because those are the standards YOU have set up for YOURSELF, not because you are safeguarding animalistic males. If I painted sexual “sin” as the biggest of all sins – one that stains, devalues, and makes you dirty or worthless – I AM SORRY. There absolutely is value in having a good sexual ethic, but sexual ethics do not equal God’s acceptance or love . Virginity is not an identity, nor does it determine your worth.
To all the women and girls that have been abused by men in power: if I EVER made you feel like it was your fault or that you were “asking for it”, or that I didn’t believe you, I AM SORRY. I have seen the detrimental effects of women who are not believed and men in power who are protected for the sake of reputation. I cannot imagine how this does not grieve the Holy Spirit.
Recently, I was discussing Bill Gothard’s 30+ sexual abuse allegations. One person commented, “do you think there’s any truth to them?”. This individual went on to say that men in power are tempted all the time by women who want to ruin them. Lord have mercy! How have we gotten here?
A month ago, a man I went to school with (private Christian school) was arrested for illegally filming women and girls in private moments without consent. Now there are more than 90 charges against him for sexual exploitation and illegal filming. This man was a youth pastor. It is not coincidence that this hits close to home. It hits close to home because it is COMMON. It is common that in religious organizations men have unchecked power and people who will protect them. It is common for women to somehow be blamed and bear the brunt of the sin of powerful men.
In the past few years the Southern Baptist Convention has had many, many instances of girls and women who have been abused and exploited almost exclusively by men in power. In many cases, the perpetrator was either allowed to stay in power or moved to a different church. During this time, one of the SBC’s defenses of this behavior is that they do not manage or govern individual churches like PCUSA or UMC denominations would. Yet, this past March, the SBC expelled 5 churches for ordaining women. Power and the wielding of it is a curious thing, and the message this sends to the world is that the SBC lives under the guise of independently governed churches, but does not hesitate to demonstrate power over what it deems important. In short, it seems they are more concerned with keeping women in their “God assigned” place than in defending them as equals and fellow image bearers.
Why are powerful men allowed to do as they please with their reputations protected, but we are all up in the business of non-hetero individuals? We ban books and harass teachers out of concern over “indoctrination”. Perhaps our energies would be best spent cleaning up our own house and looking at the harmful ways we ourselves are indoctrinating.
When will we as the church stand up and say “enough!”?
Women, advocate for yourself and for your sisters. Recognize your own value, because your Creator sure does.
Men, be offended by these harmful stereotypes that paint you as animalistic and out of control. Value women. Listen to women. Advocate for women.
BELIEVE women.
New Mercies 