He knows

Lord, You are all I need.  You see when I’m overwhelmed and surrounded.  You see me when I fight against my flesh and reach out, or take that step towards faith.  You see my hurt and my broken heart.  All my wounds are exposed in Your presence, even the ones that seem to get bigger and spread instead of healing.  This business of having a soft heart is hazardous, because I feel my heart break on a daily basis.  But you bind up the broken-hearted…

You see my son wrestle with demons, resisting Your rescue, clinging to his flesh, fingers worn to the bone with fighting.  Wanting so badly to be healed, but kicking against it harder than ever.  To see the war for a soul, so sacred but raw, holy but terribly messy, angelic but sin-infested.  And the reality of it is enough to turn the stomach of the most war hardened person.  There are no rehearsing of lines and perfecting of inflection.  This is the battlefield.

A soul held tight in dirty human hands.  A shaking, sobbing shell of a boy who won’t let anyone near him.  Wanting Jesus, but refusing to say His name.  I’m like that sometimes.  I want Jesus, but I don’t want to confess my need for Him.  To admit weakness.

I think back to my daughters rescue experience years ago.  A heart broken over it’s own sin, because a heart is deceitful, who can know it?  That early awareness of her sinful helpless state.  Sleep lost, eyes sunken, tear-stained little pale face.  Eyes as blue as corn flower glistening with pooling tears as she tells me, half yelling, “You don’t know all the things I’ve done!”

We tend to want to think, “What could a four-year-old have done that is so bad?”  A testament to our general disregard for and inaccurate view of His holiness.

She saw…and she knew He saw…and then she realized He still wanted her. 

I watched on the sidelines as her desperation turned to resignation and then to acceptance of His rescue plan.  I watch her live victoriously and her heart break over souls she knows don’t belong to Him yet.  She goes a step beyond sympathy, she feels their pain and hurt.  She knows what it’s like.

It’s funny how different they are.  My boy has always been the happy-go-lucky, go-with-the-flow, “Jesus-is-in-my-heart” kid.  But he’s never faced his own need for rescue.  He never saw his need until now.

“Faith in God is more that believing the right things.  It’s living the right way because you believe the right things.” -Paul David Tripp

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” -Hebrews 11:1

The thing is, sometimes things are ugly and damaged and having faith seems crazy radical.  Our ability to look situations and circumstances in the eye and confidently claim God’s promise that “He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”

That, yes, even the darkest, dingiest of circumstances are redeemable.

I look at my son and fight the urge to want to save him myself, my way.  To pretend I’m God.  To steal His glory and question His goodness.  Because my son and I, we can share struggles, we can share feelings, we can share our faults and our hardships, but we do not share a soul.  His is very separate from mine and so is his faith in things unseen.  Completely separate from and independent of me.  And faith, it comes about in such unique ways.  At different times.  In different seasons.

Our Savior though, He’s the same.

My Cry Came Before Him

“The pangs of death surrounded me, and the floods of ungodliness made me afraid…In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry cam before Him, even to His ears.” -Psalm 18:4,6

“Mom, when I ask them to leave at night, they do because they are afraid of God and they don’t want Him to kill them.”  My four year old tells me as she describes the terror she experiences at night.  “Mom, why is satan better at putting bad thoughts into our minds than God is at putting good thoughts ?”  She asks me in exhausted, desperation.  Then the most heart-breaking one, “Mom, I asked God to go ahead and let me die so I can go to heaven and live with Him and not have these bad thoughts.”  Dark circles are visible under hazel eyes.  She is ready to give up the fight.

If anything could make me question God, it is when my child is being attacked by the enemy.  How dare he, the prince of darkness, try to lay claim to my child’s soul!!  How dare he try to make her doubt this work that the Holy Spirit has started in her?  Some of you may be very uncomfortable with this.  Some of you may know exactly what I am talking about.  This battle, this war that wages within us is not against flesh and blood.  These dark things that only brandish their miniscule influence by night when one cannot see clearly.  After one has waged war with the flesh all day long, then the enemy wages it against the spirit.  The eternal.  The real value.  Because satan has to get us while we’re down, weak and exhausted.  He has to go after a little child who is just budding in her faith.  Who isn’t exactly sure that she can trust her Creator.

“Fear is something that comes upon us the moment we don’t believe that God is able to keep us, or all we care about, safe.  FEAR– or False Evidence Appearing Real– easily strikes children because they can’t always discern what’s real and what isn’t.  Our comfort, reassurance and love can help them; but praying, speaking the Word of God in faith, and praising God for His love and power, can free them…There are times, however, when fear is more than a passing emotion.  It can grip a child’s heart so strongly and so unreasonably that no actions or words can take it away.  When that happens, the child is being harassed by a spirit of fear.  And the Bible clearly tells us a spirit of fear does not come from God.  It comes from the enemy of our soul.” -Stormie Omartian, The Power of a Praying Parent

Her sweet, light laugh.  Her inquisitive nature.  Her almost constant prattle about nothing and everything.  Her concern for her brother’s well-being.  Her creative drawing and coloring.  These are some of the things that are missing when she is in the midst of the battle.  “Please help me, mommy.” she begs.

“Parents have the authority and power through Jesus Christ to resist that spirit of fear on their child’s behalf.  Fear doesn’t have power over them.  We have power over it.  Jesus gave us authority over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19).  Don’t be deceived into thinking otherwise.  If fear persists after you have prayed, ask two or more strong believers to pray with you.  Where two or three are gathered together in the name of the Lord, He is there in the midst of them (Matthew 18:20).  Fear and the presence of the Lord cannot occupy the same place.” -Stormie Omartian, The Power of a Praying Parent.

Today I was so blessed to be encouraged and prayed over by some wonderful, godly ladies from church.  Not one of them looked at me strangely or acted as though I (or she) was making it up.  One person even shared that she had known a little girl who had gone through something similar.   I did not go to share this with them, nor did I feel that I forced my way into the conversation.  We had a discussion topic.  The topic was on the peace of God and claiming it in times of extreme fear.  It was a time of sharing methods and encouraging each other.  I remained silent until someone prompted me to speak.  Little did they know that they had just opened the flood gates.  God’s provision.  A friend of mine gave me a CD when I was pregnant with Aubrie that I never used until now.  I have played it in her room on repeat for 3 nights in a row.  She has slept through.  God knew.  God even brought to my mind where to find it after all this time.  He even gave me an opportunity to share this with the sweet friend that gave it to me the very next day after the first night I played it.  I left feeling encouraged.  God’s provision.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  -Isaiah 41:10

I was given this verse twice today and my husband was given it once.  All by people who love us and pray for us and most importantly love the Lord.  I cannot help but have peace in the middle of this storm.  I cannot help but anticipate the day and time when her sweet hazel eyes open wide in wonder at His faithfulness and love.  When her breath catches at His power and strength.  I cannot help but imagine just how valuable her soul must be to merit this war for it’s possession.  To know that the enemy has already been defeated and her soul is not up for the taking.  Who am I to question His methods?  I treasure these things in my heart so that I can one day remind her of who she is and where she has come from and to whom she belongs.

“He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be you shield and buckler.  You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.” Psalm 91:46

I Want To Be Like Him

“I want to be like Him.” my 4 year old tells me as she climbs into bed.

“Be like who?” I ask.

“Like God.” she says, “Because He doesn’t make mistakes.”

Wrestling with such a delicate, divine balance of faith and works.  It’s an every day battle.  Feeling accomplished because I cleaned my house or caught up the laundry is one thing, but thinking that God is happier with me because of my accomplishments is another.  Or being prideful.  Or thinking that any of it is of my own strength or will-power.  Even attributing my calm, non-defensive response to criticism or dissension with my own strength.  How quickly I fall into the slippery, steep, dissent into self-sufficiency and pride.  I seem to pick up speed the longer I linger.  Only to land on a cold,  empty notion overrun with lies from the enemy.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Apart from Me you can do nothing….

“Mom, I need to talk to you.  I need to tell you something.  Something bad.  You just don’t know all the bad things I’ve done!” She says through tears and sobs.  She proceeds to tell me about how she has hit her brother and I didn’t know.  She tells me some altercations with friends in which she knows she didn’t act appropriately.  “Mom, I’ve been having bad thoughts….”

Feeling overwhelmed with this massive burden that my 4 year old carries.  It was not until I was in my twenties that I actually became crushed by the weight of my own sin.  Yet, my sweet little Aubrie is being convicted by the Holy  Spirit now.  Her heart is so soft.  Emotions are so near the surface.  While She is sensitive to the Spirit, she is also sensitive to the enemy.  Along with the conviction of sin, comes feelings of despair and condemnation and fear.  Straining against herself to do better, but meeting failure every time.  I want her to understand, I want her to know.  He died for that!  He even gives her the desires to do good and resist evil.  It’s all about what He has done and is doing.  But, understand has not yet fully come.  Navigating through this crisis she is experiencing is daunting at times.  Wondering if I am showing her Christ’s love and mercy.  Trusting that God has this war for her soul covered and I play such a small part.  Watching the sky and praying for His Spirit to rain down on her and reign in her heart.

^“12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” Philippians 2:12-13

In Case You Ever Wonder

Will you be obedient without positive results?  Will you be vulnerable without any affirmation?  Will you keep walking forward when all you want to do is run back and find a burrow, a “safe” place to hide?  Will you walk with Me when every step is painful (literally)?  Will you seek Me for comfort when you want to seek food?  Will you get up early when your alarm clock goes off at 6 and you’ve been up throughout the night with the kids, trusting that My Word is more valuable that your sleep?  Will you bow low to Me when you want to walk tall, chest puffed, screaming “I deserve better!”?  Will you not just believe, but concede in your heart that it’s not about the number on the scale, or the number of prayers whispered, or the number of times frustrations are yelled?  Will you understand that when you are concerned with results, and outer layers, and reputation, and acceptance, you are replacing my glory with human motivation and ability?

Will you walk with me?

^“4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, ⁵ he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, ⁶ whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,” Titus 3:4-6

I have heard and read these verses since I was very young, and I know in my head what they mean, but sin has a way for creeping in and defiling even the purest of intentions.  I started this school year with several intentions.  One being to pull it in towards home a little more than last year.  As a first year home school mom, I have a lot to learn about teaching.  I do know that it requires more time than I allowed myself last year and that it would mean having less play dates and social visits.  I didn’t know that it would enable me to not only be the educational teacher, but the spiritual teacher.  Don’t get me wrong, we talk about God and pray together and read Bible stories, but this year being with them a lot more allows for more opportunities for conversation.  Deep issues like “sinning with our thoughts” have came up with my little girl.  She confesses her deepest, darkest thoughts to me and is brought to tears by the realization that they are wrong.  It is both overwhelming and convicting.  Am I concerned as much as my 4 year old is about my thoughts, or am I content to leave them in the dark places in my head and give sin a fighting chance to destroy?  You might think “Well you should be happy that she is sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s convictions!”, and I am!!  But, I am more disturbed by how my flesh wants to react.  Something that burdens and hurts my child that bad is something I want to remove.  I want to pardon it!!  I wand to tell her that it’s okay and our thoughts are not a big deal!!

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

But it is a big deal. The only One that can remove the sin is God.  The only one who can pardon is God.  Leading her through the valley of mourning a sin and asking forgiveness and allowing God to turn her heart towards Him.  Even then, there is an upward climb out of the pit and it is hard and heart-breaking.  Her fears that God will not hear her are evident. Through tears she told me “God never does anything for me.”  I reminded her that every morning when she opens her eyes and takes a breath God is giving her a gift.  Each time she fills her tummy with food and runs and plays is a gift.  The sun rising is a gift.  But do I believe it?  Deep down in my soul?  Because, apparently, gaining 2 pounds instead of losing 5 when I think I have done everything right is all it takes to rock my world and want to throw in the towel.  Feeling rejected and inadequate towards something that I know God has called me to do is enough to make me second guess Him.  Wonder if He cares.  It doesn’t take long for me to have a full blown pity party and become consumed with myself.  Soon, the only thing I see is my own problems.  They are insurmountable.  They rule over me.  I hug my knees and rest my head on them.  Then I hear Him.

In case you ever wonder if I love you, remember these. Casting my glance upward I see Him holding out His scared hands.  In case you ever wonder if I will care for you, remember I died for you.  I died for you while you were lost and alone and without hope so that you could have the hope of salvation.  In case you ever wonder if I value you, look all around you.  Look how my perfection is made perfect in your imperfection.  My power is made perfect in your weakness.  My light is made known in your darkness.  I cast it out.  I overcome.  I set apart.  I call.  I save.  I am.

A Mom’s Prayer

Lord,

You are the  Life Weaver.  The Toe Former.  The Face Shaper.  The Breath Breather.  The Smile Maker.  The Tear Wiper.  The Gift Giver.  You are Patience when I have none in me.  You are Grace when I forget that You have the patience.  You are the one that intercedes on my behalf when my words fail.  You are the one who is after their hearts.  You are the One that can save them.

I confess that I am hopelessly flawed on my own.  I am not prepared for the task at hand.  Sometimes I have more “bad days” than “good”.  Sometimes I tuck in little bodies and realize that I forgot to sit and hold that little body close and count their toes and recite “This Little Piggy”.  I know I get bogged down with a day, always looking to the next thing and then I turn around and realize that the day is gone.  There is no “do over”.  I wonder if I am truly fit to do this job.  One that had no prior training.  One that I was thrust into suddenly, nothing prepping me for the fall, the jolt, the shock of having a little person completely reliant on me.  I confess that I forget where my strength comes from a lot.  I confess that, as one of Your followers, when I doubt my own sustainability, I am really doubting You.

Thank You for letting me begin each day new and fresh.  Thank You for revealing Your character little by little.  Thank you for changing me slowly so that I can grasp each change to the fullest (no matter how painful the change may be).  Thank You for setting me free.  Free to love.  Free to bear their little burdens.  Free to speak truth into their lives.  Free to choose joy over despair.  A smile over a frown.  An encouraging word over one that may tear down.  Thank You for loving me so much that You don’t leave me to myself.  Thank you for sticky fingers and dirty faces.  Thank you for messy rooms where toys are strewn.  Thank you for little imaginations.  Thank you for giving them souls that may be saved.

Lord, I ask you to draw them to Yourself.  I ask You to help me to appeal to the part of them in which eternity is set.  The part that desires to love You and serve You.  Give me the wisdom and the words to speak to cultivate that special place in their hearts that yearns for You.  Help it to grow and overcome and displace the dark, evil places in their hearts.  The parts that are self serving and against You.  Help them to grow in their knowledge of You and Your character and Your ways.  Help my desire to ease their pain never supersede Your desire to mold them and shape them into the beautiful people You created them to be.  Help me to know where my mothering ends and Your grace begins.  Help me to be okay with an overlap of Your mercy and my discipline.  Prevent me from trying to simplify the complex and sugar-coat the truth.  Help me to discipline without withholding love.  Help me to encourage without deceiving.  Let me impart wisdom, not just knowledge.  And finally, help me to trust You with their souls.  In Your precious and holy name, Amen.

The Greatest Blessing

The start of a new year always seems to make people stop and reflect and take inventory.  We set new goals, we make new plans, we seem to think that this is our only chance for a new start.  Once a year, so take advantage!  God made all things new for me in march of 2011 through the salvation of my husband.  It was the most wonderful, unexpected event of my life.  You see, I didn’t realize that he was not a believer.  He had grown up in church, been active in his youth group during highschool and still attended church events regularly through his college and early career years.  He had gone down the aisle and said “the prayer” at a young age and was baptized shortly after.  It was not until march of last year that he started questioning his faith.  This point is where a lot of people get nervous and scared.  We are taught many times not to doubt, not to question.  That our salvation begins and ends with a one time decision.  

A good friend and I were talking the other day and she said something to the effect of “I think we continue to be saved our entire lives”. I could not agree more.  It is true that we have to come to the initial realization that we desperately need Christ and without Him we can’t make it.  We have to accept His free gift of salvation through His death.  We have to believe that Christ paid the price for our sins on the cross so that not only could we be saved from death, but that we might also know Him and have a personal relationship with Him.  This personal relationship is what my husband realized was missing. It wasn’t enough to merely “believe” in God, because even satan and his demons believe that and tremble.  No, to know Him, that is the result of true salvation.  It is a continual process of “being saved” from ourselves and our fleshly bent.  It is being released, little by little of the earthly chains that hold us so tightly without Him.  It is experiencing life with Christ as opposed to without Him and conceding that it is never worth forsaking Him or attempting to do life on our own again. 

It has recently been brought to my attention that although my life’s greatest gift is my own salvation, second only to that I believe is the salvation of my husband.  What greater blessing in addition to one’s own salvation than to be blessed with a believing spouse?  Scripture says, “For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.” (Matt 18:20)  So, our communication with God is strengthened because of our unity, but also we are now striving toward the same goals.   In every area this makes a difference.  I tell my husband all the time that even though he was the one that became a believer last march, I feel that I have changed just as much if not more as a result of it.  Author and pastor Jim Cymbala once said “I despaired that my life might pass me by
without seeing God move mightily on my behalf.”  I now know what that feels like.  Obviously, the one that will reap the most benefit from his salvation is himself, but secondly are those with which he is the closest.  That’s me!  I could not have asked for more.  I write all this to say that God can make all things new at any time or season in our lives, not just at the start of a new calendar year.  May God bless you this year and may we all grow in our faith and knowledge of Him!

Our Need for Him

I have been reading David Platt’s book called Radical with my husband.  It is really good stuff and has made me really stop and re-look at my own faith.  I don’t think one can keep himself in check enough spiritually speaking.  Especially because our hearts are so easily deceived. 

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” (Revelation 3:20)

Having grown up in church, I remember either memorizing this verse or incorporating it into a song.  I truly love this verse and it is 100% true.  However, I feel that the way this verse was presented (or maybe it was just the way my human mind received it) made it seem as though God actually needs us and is practically begging for us to come to Him.  What it does not communicate is how much we need God.  That apart from Him, our good works are as filthy rags.  That our nature is actually against God at best and God-hating at worst.  These things will not change apart from Christ, hence our desperate need for Him.  This quote by Platt is thought-provoking.

“We have taken the infinitely glorious Son of God, who endured the infinitely terrible wrath of God and who now reigns as the infinitely worthy Lord of all, and we have reduced Him to a poor, puny Saviour who is just begging for us to accept Him.  Accept Him?  Do we really think Jesus needs our acceptance?  Don’t we need Him?”  -David Platt, Radical

Don’t misunderstand, God wants us to come to Him.  2 Peter 3:9 says: ” The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.”  He doesn’t want anyone to perish!  If we seek Him we will find Him.  But, God does not need our acceptance to be happy, to be powerful, to be anything. He is everything already.  He also makes very clear, bold statement such as “If you love me,  keep my commandments.” (John 14:15).  He also says that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. (Matt 22:37)  So, if we love Him, we will live differently than the rest of the world.  Sometimes, what is communicated is that nothing is required of us past the initial decision to accept Him.  I believe that one’s salvation is called into question when there is no change in his life.   If we are not changing and moving towards a godly life, then do we really love Him? 

“As a pastor, I shudder at the thought and lie awake at night when I consider the possibility that scores of people who sit before me on a Sunday morning might think they are saved when they are not.  Scores of people who have positioned their lives on a religious road that makes grandiose promises at minimal cost. We have been told all that is required is a one-time decision, maybe even mere intellectual assent to Jesus, but after that we need not worry about His commands, His standards, or His glory.” -David Platt, Radical

This is not to say that salvation is by works, or that we have to be “good enough” in our deeds to be accepted by Christ.  We are saved “not by works, so that no one can boast.”  Ephesians 2:8 says “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—”.  But it would seem that if we really trusted in Him and believed in Him, we would keep His commandments out of love for Him. 

“We are saved from our sins by a free gift of grace, something that only God can do in us and we cannot manufacture ourselves.  But that gift of grace involves a new heart.  New desires. New longings.  For the first time, we want God.  We see our need for Him, and we love Him.  We seek after Him, and we find Him, and we discover that He is indeed the great reward of our salvation.  We realize that we are saved not just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of our eternity in heaven, but we are saved to know God.  So we yearn for Him.  We want Him so much that we abandon everything else to experience Him.  This is the only proper response to the revelation of God in the Gospel.” -David Platt, Radical

I know I have used a lot of excerpts and quotes in this post, but I don’t think I could have worded it better.  This is just something to consider.  I have said before that our “modern Gospel” tends to be a watered down version of the original and in some cases, a false gospel all together.  We have dumbed it down and made it more palatable to our modern society and culture.  I want to transcend that and live how Christ intended for me to live, which is a full, joy-filled life, overflowing with the grace that He so generously has poured out on me.  I don’t want to settle.  I don’t want to miss it. 

Joy and peace to you all during this wonderful season of celebrating our Saviour’s birth!

What is our purpose?

So, what exactly are we here for?  This question has surprisingly many answers among the Christian community.  Some say “to glorify God”.  Others say “to spread the Gospel”.  Some say “to serve, like Christ served”.  The list goes on.  All that I mentioned are true.  Sadly, whatever our answers are, many of us, even most of us don’t live like it (myself included).  I am doing a study on Revelation with Community Bible Study.  It is really opening my eyes even more to the importance of how we live our lives.  How things we don’t consider huge issues can affect our lives in an eternal way.  For instance, God keeps our tears.  All of them!!  Psalm 56:8 says:

 “You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle, are they not in Your book?”.   

Those times when we were crying out to God in pain, in joy, in distress, in desperation…He heard us and saved our tears.  It matters to Him.

He also keeps out prayers.  Revelation 5 describes a heavenly scene in which there are 4 living creatures and 24 elders in the throne room of God.  In the center of them is The Lamb “standing as if slain” (v. 6).  Verse 8 says:

“When He had taken the book, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each one holding a harp and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints.” 

Our prayers are like incense to the Lord!  Not only that, but they are kept in golden bowls.  God keeps our tears and our prayers.  They are important to Him.  I know I keep repeating myself, but this just really struck me hard. 

I think a lot of times, when I think of Jesus, I think of the teacher, the healer, the man who walked the earth.  He was born with nothing and he died with nothing.  There was nothing about his physical appearance that made him stand out.  He was a humble servant and took on our sins.  He paid the price on the cross so that we wouldn’t have to.  So we don’t have to get what we deserve, which is eternal hell.  This is an accurate picture, but there is another side of Him.  Revelation 1:12-16 describes Him in all His heavenly glory.  A picture I don’t often imagine. 

  “Then I turned to see the voice that was speaking with me. And having turned I saw seven golden lampstands;  and in the middle of the lampstands I saw one like a son of man, clothed in a robe reaching to the feet, and girded across His chest with a golden sash. His head and His hair were white like white wool, like snow; and His eyes were like a flame of fire.  His feet were like burnished bronze, when it has been made to glow in a furnace, and His voice was like the sound of many waters.  In His right hand He held seven stars, and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword; and His face was like the sun shining in its strength.”

Here, in this scene that John describes, Jesus is no longer an earthly man, He is in his full heavenly glory.  John walked with the Lord while He was on earth, and he saw the humble man, he saw the teacher, the healer; but he had never seen Jesus like this, except maybe at the transfiguration, but I don’t think it was quite the same.  His reaction was similar however, he “fell at His feet like a dead man.  And He placed His right hand on me, saying,

Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and the living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.” -Revelation 1:17-18

You see, John was ready to meet the Lord, and was still terrified.  What about those that we know are not ready?  They are our responsibility.  Make no mistake, their salvation is not our responsibility, that is the work of the Holy Spirit, but it is our responsibility to spread the Good News and to pray.  I can just imagine the angels waiting to intercede when our prayers are offered up to God as a bowl of incense!  He has been before us and has conquered death!  Blessings to you all.  Keep fighting the good fight.  Press on!  It is not in vain.